she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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