Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
