I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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