Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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