I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
