Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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