Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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