Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
how does that bad decision feel?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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