im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
