My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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