forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Randomize