She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
