she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
