i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
