Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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