Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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