It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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