I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
