there's paper in my vomit.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
