I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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