A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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