every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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