he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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