is your mom at the bar?
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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