Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
