I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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