Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
