What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
