can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
