im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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