Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize