apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
