I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
