'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
