They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize