I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
