Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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