It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
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