I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
