well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
