Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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