drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
