Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
