girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
