I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
