I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
