Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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