he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
