The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize