"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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