he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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