Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
