I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
