I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Randomize
