Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
