If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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