my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
