He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
