Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
