my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
