I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
This is the high leading the old right now
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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