I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
