and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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