im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
